Monday, June 28, 2010

a Day

Today is the day i learn again how to smile even when i`m dying to cry.
i still remember how i hard i tried to smile to my mom when i reached home in the day my father passed away ... but i`m still just a kid,, how hard i tried to be that "tough" .. but when my mom surround me those tears wont stop fall down. just like this day.. when i heard my mom`s voice in the telephone.. i didn`t need million minutes to shed tears cause suddenly i`m crying. And she always be that patient to calm me down.. she always could make me feel just fine.
" life is not always be that smooth... at least you learn !" my mom said. can`t said anything except wipe my tears away and calm myself down and back to public.

exactly the same thing happened on December 2010, when i was just broken up. i was told my mom about my exz boyfriend`s last words for her. that he couldn`t taking care of me any longer. i was trying so hard to hold my tears before suddenly she hug me and rub my hair and made me crying like a baby.. she`s hug me so tight.. she said " udah,,, jangan nangis sayang,,, kalo kamu nangis mama juga jadi sedih... " and i saw her shed tears... like what my father did when he saw me cried.. in the time i knew that my vionce is canceled the engagement and that was the first time i saw my dad crying over my love-relationship,,!! THeir sincere tears... cause they really knew what i felt.

Everyday in my morning... my mom always come to me and said
" i`m already 60 next year.. !" and its sounds so scary to me... its freaks me out.
just like her time are close.. and she have to make sure that i am ready for it :((
"my left chest is hurt" arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! GOD,, what am i suppous to do!!! im scared... im so scared..!!!!
i can`t stand to see her eyes.. cause its painful.
thats why i`m trying my best to fulfil her dream.. finish my school.
but like what she said.. its not always that smooth...
and Dear GOD... i am doing my best... but when best isn`t enough.. than nothing that i can do.
U sent me to her to bring her happiness and pride, dont U?
so would U be kind enough to give me change to accomplish it?
i wanna see her smile..

U knew what was first taken from my life.. but alhamdulillah U gave me better life.
and than U took my Dad away from me... when you knew i still need him around me.. Would U let my Dad remember me ... would U let him recognize me when we met in heaven someday??
after that U took my another happiness.. you took him away from me...the one that i really needed.. the one that could be my everything...
and Now U took my effort... you gave me failure as a result even U knew i was affording a simple happiness for my mom. the only person that really love me sincerely. DIA satu-satunya orang yang yang saat ini menjadi NYALI terakhirku.

if my presence just made her unhappy.. than why dont U take me away from Her.
Mama... im so sorry im failed :(

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