a Day

Today is the day i learn again how to smile even when i`m dying to cry.
i still remember how i hard i tried to smile to my mom when i reached home in the day my father passed away ... but i`m still just a kid,, how hard i tried to be that "tough" .. but when my mom surround me those tears wont stop fall down. just like this day.. when i heard my mom`s voice in the telephone.. i didn`t need million minutes to shed tears cause suddenly i`m crying. And she always be that patient to calm me down.. she always could make me feel just fine.
" life is not always be that smooth... at least you learn !" my mom said. can`t said anything except wipe my tears away and calm myself down and back to public.

exactly the same thing happened on December 2010, when i was just broken up. i was told my mom about my exz boyfriend`s last words for her. that he couldn`t taking care of me any longer. i was trying so hard to hold my tears before suddenly she hug me and rub my hair and made me crying like a baby.. she`s hug me so tight.. she said " udah,,, jangan nangis sayang,,, kalo kamu nangis mama juga jadi sedih... " and i saw her shed tears... like what my father did when he saw me cried.. in the time i knew that my vionce is canceled the engagement and that was the first time i saw my dad crying over my love-relationship,,!! THeir sincere tears... cause they really knew what i felt.

Everyday in my morning... my mom always come to me and said
" i`m already 60 next year.. !" and its sounds so scary to me... its freaks me out.
just like her time are close.. and she have to make sure that i am ready for it :((
"my left chest is hurt" arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! GOD,, what am i suppous to do!!! im scared... im so scared..!!!!
i can`t stand to see her eyes.. cause its painful.
thats why i`m trying my best to fulfil her dream.. finish my school.
but like what she said.. its not always that smooth...
and Dear GOD... i am doing my best... but when best isn`t enough.. than nothing that i can do.
U sent me to her to bring her happiness and pride, dont U?
so would U be kind enough to give me change to accomplish it?
i wanna see her smile..

U knew what was first taken from my life.. but alhamdulillah U gave me better life.
and than U took my Dad away from me... when you knew i still need him around me.. Would U let my Dad remember me ... would U let him recognize me when we met in heaven someday??
after that U took my another happiness.. you took him away from me...the one that i really needed.. the one that could be my everything...
and Now U took my effort... you gave me failure as a result even U knew i was affording a simple happiness for my mom. the only person that really love me sincerely. DIA satu-satunya orang yang yang saat ini menjadi NYALI terakhirku.


if my presence just made her unhappy.. than why dont U take me away from Her.
Mama... im so sorry im failed :(

what a dream

malem itu aku kebangun sampe 3 kali,,,
gara-gara 3 mimpi yang menurutku semuanya aneh...
tapi ada satu mimpi yang menurutku bener-bener aneh bagiku...
di mimpi itu aku berada diruangan yang serba putih, ga ada batas nya,,, pokoknya yang keliatan cuma putih aja... and its my father in front of me... casual wear yang biasa papa pake, berkacamata dan duduk di sebuah sofa kecil. he look so happy... raut wajahnya cerah dan gembira banget.
and it feels so real.. aku lupa kalau papa udah ga ada..
papa: udah lah,, kamu buruan nikah ajaa
aku : hah?? Nikahh?? nikah ama siapa paaaa?? pacar aja gak punya?
papa: (senyum jail) udah gak usah bohong, kamu pikir papa gak tau ya...
aku : .....????

terus aku lari ke mamaku yang saat itu tampak lebih muda, cantik dan sama seperti papa,,, sangat bahagiaaa...
aku : maaa... masa papa suruh aku nikahhh
mama: lho bagus dong.....
aku : haaahhh ????

lalu aku kebangun,,, oh gosh,, its really feel so realll,,,, aku baru sadar kalo papa udah gak ada waktu bangun dari mimpiku.....
my dad told me to married soon?? hahhh?
semasa hidupnya,, papaku tu ga pernah sama sekali deh ngomongin tentang begini ke aku,, dan dia sangat tidak pernah ikut campur dalam love life ku,, meskipun papaku kenal beberapa orang yang pernah menjadi bagian dalam hidupku. and now he told me to married soon by dream??

is it really a sign ??
or its just dreammmm??
hmmm,, maybe im just missing him ...

Paaaaa...
apapun arti mimpiii malam ituuu...
aku bahagia liat papa bahagiaaa..
semoga papa selalu berada diantara orang-orang beriman yang punya tempat istimewa disisi ALLAH...
i miss u :)

(aku jarang banget mimpi tentang papaku, tapi kalo aku lagi stress ato depress,, biasanya memang papa dateng ke mimpiku,,,because he always there... there inside my heart.. )

she made me shed tears

i was driving to my friend`s house when i recieved one new sms. its from Kristin.

"though my words are few, my heart is true. friend i can make new, but none are as sweet as you"

its really put a smile in my face... :) and of course i replied it.

"what a sweet words.. thanks lot dear :) hope happiness always be yours ;) "

i do mean it with my words.. and just about a minute after i replied, she replied back.

"na .. cuma mau bilang walo sering ga ketemu, dan jarang ngobrol tapi kamu tetep sahabat terbaik :) selalu punya " quality time" denganmu dan itu gak akan tergantikan oleh apapun juga"

i shed tears.. i really dont know what to say.. maybe she text me really in the right moment. when i feel so empty and lonely..

" i dont know what to say tin, but you know ur words mean so much to me.. thank you for sharing life with me, thank you for the precious time and the friendship, support and always be a good listener for me.. im so sorry for always being pain in the ass"

i never thought she would send me that msg.. i dont know its really me who`s too melancolic or its really true so touchy.. but friendship that you offer to me really mean WORLD for me.
thank you mbak antin... thank you so much :)

Dia

FTV hari ini mengisahkan tentang 4 bersaudara yang sudah lama tinggal terpisah dan gak akur yang haruus bersatu demi mempertahankan warisan orang tuanya yang sudah meninggal dengan tinggal satu rumah selama 100 hari kalo gak akan jatuh ke tangan tantenya yang sangat matre.
disitu banyak banget ilustrasi cekcok antar saudara yang similiar lah sama kehidupan sehari-hari . tapi kasih sayang antar saudara yang membuat mereka memenangkan warisan itu.. eits.. tapi bukan cuma warisannya yang harus di underline disini... tapi mereka memenangkan kebahagian. Mereka yang tadinya stranger jadi bisa rukun dan hidup hangat seperti pesan almarhum ayah mereka.

semua ini langsung membuat aku meneteskan air mata. betapa beruntungnya kalian yang punya kakak dan adik bukan anak tunggal kayak aku. tapi bukan berarti aku menyesali keberadaanku sebagai anak tunggal , hanya timbul perasaan ingin seperti mereka.. punya saudara yang bisa menjaga mereka.
Tapi tak pelak saudara juga kadang adalah suatu masalah, aku mengenal seorang pria hebat.. parasnya keras tapi hatinya begitu lembut dan sangat mulia dimataku. dia seorang pria yang lahir sebagai anak ke 5 . dia mempunyai keluarga yang kuimpikan.. punya kakak dan adik.
tapi dia yatim sepertiku. ayahnya sudah meninggal dunia beberapa tahun yang lalu.. dan keluarga nya sudah tidak hangat.

Aku masih dengan jelas mengingat semua perkataannya... entah siapa saja yang tau tekatnya ini.. tapi bagiku,, semua ini membuat dia berbeda....

" aku akan menyatukan keluargaku seperti apa yang sudah aku janjikan ke ayahku meskipun itu akan memakan waktu bertahun-tahun"

pria itu tidak pernah menyerah dengan semua mimpi-mimpinya. aku menjadi saksi betapa dia begitu hangat kepada keluarga dan sekitarnya. dia dan hatinya yang selalu membuat dia sangat berbeda dimataku. dia akan selalu menjadi pria hebat dalam kehidupanku.

Pria hebatku...
mungkin saat ini aku sudah tidak diijinkan oleh NYA untuk berjalan beriringan denganmu..
tapi doaku akan selalu mengiringi langkahmu.
selalu yang terbaik untuk kehidupanmu...
semoga apa yang sudah menjadi tekad dan keyakinanmu di ijabahi Gusti ALLAH..

you know that i always believe in you even if noone understand.
May GOD always hear your pray and fulfil it...
Allah will always bless your angelic heart...
:)

just fine.

When people have everything and i just have a memory of you in mind.
i was promise to my self to learn how to thanks GOD for all the thing that have happened along my life, because what was happened is SOMETHING!!

i feel life was so cruel to me when it seems like GOD letting everyone take some piece of me and left me a huge dissapointment. it wasnt easy for me but yes its not a reason for me to stay in the darkside for such a long time. That`s why im trying to do what is right or at least nearly right.

when something not going as what i was hoping,,, i will just keep that for my self. weather its for good or worst. id rather let it kept sealed.

Dear GOD..
u let me type something last night must be for a reason.
u always show me something that made me relize...
YES similiarity really exist
im so proud to be anything u`ve already let me to be ..
you let so many happiness, pride, lesson entering my life until this day.
you knew what im talking about.. you always knew..
some of people thought they knew me. but they actually don`t.
just like how you make him feel about his hut GOD...
do you know how hard it is GOD to live a life this way??
no one will understand how hard it is unless they through same path.
and thats one of reason you let me met him.
letting us learn and heal each other.

what you want me to do GOD??
so many dissapointment and pain were came into my life.
facing a fact into another fact.
sometimes i really wanna give up situation..
im not expecting a palace.. or a kingdom..
im just dreaming a simple happy life with the one who really can make me feel just fine.